Christmas time usually brings joy to families, but it can also be a trying time for parents because it is often the period when differences in values and expectations between couples, as well as other members of the family, come to light. For example, despite the fact that we both come from a very similar background, our families have very different styles and expectations when it comes to gift giving.

Carole: “I always love the idea of Christmas, but I have come to realise that my family (and myself!) have unrealistically high expectations about making every Christmas a ‘perfect’ one. So, I’ve now tailored my vision of ‘perfection’ to a more workable one of ‘harmony’. Instead of obsessing about finding the ‘perfect’ gift for each family member, I now try to focus on hunting out activities that will please everyone, help us connect more as a family and above all enjoy our time together.

I have also encouraged my girls to understand the difference between our own parenting style and that of my parents. My parents are quite traditional, in that they want the children to behave well and mind their manners on every occasion. The rather authoritarian way that they try to direct the girl’s behaviour has tended to make the children put up a certain amount of resistance. We also believe that manners are important but we’ve learnt to request this from our children in more effective ways.

Thankfully, I have learnt to become much less attached to the idea of my parents talking to my kids in the same way that I do. Our children now accept and respect these differences, which makes for a more harmonious relationship between them and their grandparents, and an easier life for all of us.”

Nadim: “I realised that over the years I had become quite defensive about having set the ‘right’ values for our children, to the extent that I would become irritated when others failed to respect these values or codes of behaviour. This conflict would surface at Christmas time and create stress within the family.

Coming back to the example of ‘gift giving’ and the difference in style when it comes to gift giving  – one family believes in showering children with presents, while the other prefers more modest gifts. I learnt that a great way of decreasing the tensions that arose as a result of these differences in opinion, was to discuss them, first with Carole and then with the kids (who we discovered were capable of understanding different attitudes and behaviours even when they were still quite young).

We’ve both found that it really helps to discuss with the family the potential areas of conflict in advance, rather than waiting to be triggered, and therefore made angry by them, at a later date.”

The gift we would like to give parents and their families at this time of year is our Best of Parenting Toolbox, to help families feel good about how they deal with and ‘manage’ all the situations that come their way during the festive season, and make Christmas a time of harmony and joyful family connection. These tools will be detailed in our upcoming book “Kids Don’t Come With a Manual”, but here are snippets that you can already use at this time of year.

Here are our suggestions:

Family meetings: with their spirit of togetherness, family meetings are an ideal starting point for discussing Christmas, and encouraging our children to cooperate throughout the festive season. Use family meetings as an opportunity for establishing guidelines to some potentially problematic issues which may lie ahead; including the giving and receiving – and anticipation – of gifts; conflicting styles of parenting, grand parenting (and wider family) styles as well as the need for family cooperation and support throughout the festive period. A family meeting could end with a group hug or even a Christmas-themed group activity.

Planning Ahead: From the buying of gifts to the cooking of the Christmas meal, a plan will always be your greatest ally in the festive run up. Plans can be made for almost everything including: travel, shopping, food, decorations, deliveries, outings, social events, the big day itself and its aftermath. If you can, try to get your children to participate in the drawing-up, as well as the execution of these plans, as this encourages children to become involved in the decision-making side of family life.

Limited choices: The combination of unstructured time and high levels of excitement mean that emotions can easily get a bit overwrought and power struggles begin to surface. Offering our children limited choices (that suit us as well as them!) helps them to feel empowered during what can be a confusing time for them. The choices you offer can remain simple and can be offered to a child at any age e.g. “Would you like to go up to bed now or in ten minutes?” or “Would you like to play with Granny or help me make mince pies?”

Setting Rules: It is essential to clarify our rules to our children, particularly when they are younger, but we need to do it in a non-confrontational way. Using the third person is always better than using the first, as it suggests that the rules apply to everyone, which makes children feel much better about following them; for example “In this family we take it in turns to open presents, rather than opening them all at once.”

One-on-one Time: If time and circumstance permit, try to schedule a little One-to-one Time with each of your children. As well as encouraging you to spend some real quality time with your children, One-on-one Time is a really useful way of building a connection and reducing conflict between you. But don’t forget to book some special time for yourself too – remember Christmas is not about martyrdom!

Value setting: Christmas is a great time to encourage children to get into the spirit of giving and sharing and generally thinking about the needs of others. Perhaps encourage them to make gifts or cards for relatives and teachers, (a picture is always appreciated) or to help choose presents. You could also include introducing the concept of giving to those in need, for example donating old toys and clothes to charity.

Forward Planning: Avoid the Boxing Day blues by looking forward to a new year with your family, making plans for joint activities, setting goals and discussing resolutions. It’s never too early to plan the next museum visit or cinema trip, regardless of when it takes place.

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!